Eddie is no stranger to feeling self-conscious. When he was a teenager, his body had grown at disproportionate rates. Three months of having feet too big for his body had made him clumsy, people making light-hearted jokes to his parents about their sudden need to purchase his shoes from costume stores. Six months of his arms and legs being just a touch too long, staring at himself in the mirror feeling like a marionette puppet. That phase where his hair grew out instead of down, when his dad was away and his mom too busy to take him for a haircut, and his nerdy younger sister had snorted in amusem*nt and told him looked like a hobbit–it didn’t help that there had been some crossover between that and the big feet phase.
By the time Eddie started his junior year of high school his body had seemed to agree on what everything should do, where everything should be, and suddenly he was tall, and lean, and acne free, with–if he does say so himself–great hair, and he suddenly had all of the positive attention from his peers he’d been craving since the viscous hold of puberty had begun. And that’s pretty much how it’s gone.
He’s been flirted with enough times on calls over the years to give him a boost to his ego he wishes he could pass down to his younger self. For years he’s loved the way he looks. He’s not arrogant about it, but he works hard to maintain it–not that the job doesn’t help–and he deserves a little recognition for that. Eddie had allowed himself that even when he hadn’t allowed anything else positive to soak in.
It’s been so long, Eddie had forgotten what it felt like–the shame that comes with looking in the mirror and wishing a different reflection were staring back. He’s happy, is the thing. He’s happy, so he’s not supposed to be feeling like this.
Things are great. Really, they are. It had taken a lot of time and hard work to get his mind somewhere healthy. Therapy and deep conversations, and finally admitting the thing he’s been hiding from his whole life. And Buck had been there for it all, holding his hand both figuratively and literally. That first kiss between them had been the stuff of fairytales and every cheesy nineties rom-com he’d grown up with. It was perfect. It is perfect.
But somewhere down the line of making sure his mind is in shape, he’d let slip the control he’d had over his body. Between choosing to stay in bed an extra hour with Buck instead of hitting the gym, indulgent date nights, and Buck’s never ending experimentation in the kitchen, Eddie’s put on a few pounds.
It’s not like it’s enough for most people to notice. Nobody’s passed comment on it, at least. Eddie might work in a great house full of great people but firefighting is still a profession full of emotionally constipated teenagers trapped in the bodies of adults, and jokes like that still get made on calls between houses, so he knows there are at least a few that would pass comment if they caught a whiff of Eddie’s weight gain. But Eddie knows. He knows that his jeans are a little tighter around his waist and thighs. He knows he’s having to use holes on his belt closer to the end than he used to. Knows that sometimes, after a good meal of Buck’s making, he has to undo that belt and can see the bulge of his stomach beneath his shirt.
He hates that he notices, hates that he cares. Hates that there is still enough of his insecure teenage self to worry that the second Buck notices he’ll stop wanting to do things–things that Eddie is very much enjoying discovering, thank you very much. And most of the time he’s been able to keep his spiraling concern for his body image hidden, smiling and trying his best to focus on Buck’s enjoyment, telling himself that if Buck cared at all he’d have noticed by now. Because he knows Buck, better than he knows himself some days, and he knows when Buck is hiding his displeasure. Buck tries so hard not to upset the balance–a product of his upbringing–that sometimes Eddie knowing his tells are the only way he’d know if Buck wasn’t happy. And he certainly seems happy.
But tonight’s another story. Tonight there’s no hiding it.
They’re supposed to be going to dinner with Maddie and Chim. A rare night where they can double date away from one of their respective houses. Ever since Eddie had earned his son’s trust back and they’d reunited after a couple of tense months apart, Chris has become something of a homebody. Eddie’s not complaining, really, he loves having Chris back and him wanting to be home so much feels a lot like making up for lost time, but he does worry that Chris is putting the rest of his life on hold out of guilt for wanting space. He hopes that’s not the case–hopes he just missed his dad, his room, and his belongings enough to want to be near them more these days–but he can’t be sure. Not when Chris just keeps shrugging whenever Eddie asks if he’s sure he doesn’t want to go to a sleepover he’s been invited to, or stay overnight at his cousin’s when there’s a few of them there.
He’d been a little shocked when it had been Chris who had come to him to ask if he could stay at a friend’s house. Eddie really does love having him around, but it has made date nights a little more difficult to plan when his former social butterfly of a kid was now becoming something of a recluse. But Chris had seemed certain, so of course he’d said yes.
The Lees had been more than happy to take Jee for the night and so a plan had been made for dinner and drinks followed by the strangely competitive karaoke battle he’d been roped into between the Buckley siblings–some attempt by Buck to prove they were a better couple and had a better song than Maddie and Chim. Eddie had forgotten that the Han’s Islands In The Stream tradition had started before they were dating, much like Buck and Eddie’s What I Like About You had.
The problem is nothing fits.
He huffs, throwing a third button-down to the rapidly accumulating pile on his bed. And it’s not that they won’t fasten, they do. He can get every button through the holes. It’s just that the spaces in between the buttons…well…they gape. Not all of them, but enough that Eddie knows it’s noticeable. Enough that if he raises his arms the shirt pops up over his hips and he has to tug it down instead of it just easing back to its usual resting place.
He drops down alongside the shirts, the way he can feel his stomach move a little as he bounces doing nothing to help his self-esteem. He knows it would be petulant of him to refuse to leave the house, and he doesn’t want to upset Buck, but he also knows he’s going to feel horrible the entire time, and that Buck will pick up on it. And that would just be ten times worse.
“Hey, so, Maddie just–”
Eddie pushes hands through his hair as he stands, trying his best to plaster a convincing smile on his face. If the expression Buck wears as he looks up from his phone is anything to go by, he fails miserably.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Eddie lies quickly. He doesn’t want anything to be wrong and that’s basically the same thing, right?
“Come on, Eddie, what’s going on?”
Buck looks between the pile of shirts and Eddie’s face, and he can’t help it, okay, the petulant, self-conscious child in him rises to the surface and he throws his arms the way Chris always does when he doesn’t get his way.
“You made me fat.”
Buck’s laugh doesn’t help, although Eddie’s grateful that Buck’s grown and happy enough to not be the same guy who would have taken an accusation like that to heart.
“What are you talking about?”
Eddie turns to look in the mirror, easier to focus on himself than Buck as he talks, and runs a hand over his stomach.
“You made me all–” it sounds ridiculous, even in his head, but he says it anyway– “happy and fat.”
He pouts and he knows he looks pathetic, but it doesn’t stop Buck from coming up behind him, hooking his chin over Eddie’s shoulder and planting his hands on Eddie’s hips.
“It’s bad that you’re happy?”
“No, but nothing fits, and I feel like an awkward teenager again, and I’m going to ruin our date night.”
“Well,” Buck starts, sweetly, moving to stand in between Eddie and the mirror, “actually, date night is sort of canceled, because Jee got some stomach virus at pre-school and passed it onto Chim.”
“Oh.” He suddenly feels a little ridiculous.
“Which means,” Buck continues, running his hands up and down Eddie’s arms, “I can spend tonight showing you just how gorgeous I think you are.”
“Buck, it’s fine.” He sighs, dropping his forehead to rest on Buck’s shoulders. “I’m just feeling a little self-conscious.”
“Exactly,” Buck says, moving back behind Eddie, but this time he presses a flat palm to Eddie’s stomach, “and there’s no need to be. I happen to think it’s incredibly sexy that you’re happy.”
Eddie laughs, ducking his head, but there are fingers pressing his chin up in a second, forcing Eddie to look in the mirror, and when he catches sight of Buck’s eyes what he finds there isn’t light or teasing, but heated.
“Buck.”
“Let me show you, Eddie.” He presses a soft kiss to Eddie’s throat, and Eddie is helpless to do anything but tilt his head to the side and allow him better access. “Let me show you how much I love it. How much I love you.”
“Okay,” Eddie says, a little breathless. “Show me.”
Buck uses the arm wrapped around Eddie’s waist to tug him backwards, still watching Eddie in the mirror. Eddie can’t help fumbling over his feet a little as he tries to keep watching Buck. He laughs at his own unusual clumsiness, relishing in the smile it earns from his boyfriend. His boyfriend who gently steps aside and guides Eddie to sit on the edge of the bed, discarded shirts creasing under the weight of him, and he can still see himself in the mirror when Buck gets down on his knees and pushes Eddie’s thighs apart to settle himself between them.
It’s a pavlovian response to seeing him like that that has his dick filling out, and he knows Buck notices the hitch in his breath as he rubs his hands over Eddie’s jean clad thighs.
“Soon. Maybe. If you listen to me.”
Eddie quirks an eyebrow. They’ve taken things pretty slow in the bedroom, it being an entirely new thing for Eddie, and whilst they’ve done everything physically, they’ve yet to get any more adventurous with it. Buck’s little statement has Eddie wondering if maybe it’s time then, something in his bargain exciting him.
He smirks and nods.
“I’ll listen.”
“Good.”
Buck’s hands wander from his thighs to his hips, his long, careful fingers snaking under the hem of the undershirt Eddie has on and pushing it up until Eddie gets the hint and whips it off.
It’s hard to feel self-conscious when Buck is looking at him like that, eyes full of wonder like he’s been handed something precious and isn’t quite sure he’s allowed to touch.
He leans forward pressing a kiss to Eddie’s stomach and the insecurity seeps back in just a little. And maybe there’s a tell, or maybe Buck just knows him that well, because he presses another one there and leaves his lips close, brushing the skin as he speaks.
“I love how soft it is. I love that I can lay my head on it. I love that it’s proof that you’re letting me take care of you–I know how hard that is for you.”
All Eddie can do is look down at Buck and watch; hum his approval of Buck’s touch. It always feels good when he’s touching him, no matter how Eddie feels about that particular body part.
“I love this,” he says, sweetly, scraping short, blunt fingernails through the trail of dark hair that leads from his navel to the underwear that’s quickly growing sticky and damp with precum.
“Buck, god, that feels good.”
“Love how sensitive you are here.”
Proving his point, Eddie’s stomach twitches as Buck skims barely-there-touches across his belly, right above his waistband.
“Love seeing it covered in your cum when I f*ck you.”
Eddie whines, and Buck leans in to lick him just like he does when Eddie really has cum. And then, surprising a long, loud moan out of him, Buck sucks a hickey right there on his stomach, in a place where his jeans are likely to rub against it, reminding him for days to come of the worship Buck is lavishing him with.
It’s a mercy when Buck finally reaches for the button of his jeans, making quick work of getting them open and Eddie lifts his hips as Buck tugs them and his underwear right down, letting his aching co*ck free from its confines. His dick springs out, tapping against his lower stomach, precum catching and sticking against his skin. Buck hums as he licks that too, and Eddie’s hand flies to Buck’s hair on instinct, tangling into his f*cking gorgeous curls that he’s been leaving loose for a while now, much to Eddie’s pleasure.
“You want me to suck you, Eddie.”
Eddie nods, frantically, almost virginal in his enthusiasm.
“Please. Please, Buck.”
“I got you, Eds, don’t worry.”
He wastes no time at all in wrapping his pretty pink lips around Eddie’s co*ck, sending a ripple of heady pleasure through Eddie’s entire body. The hand in Buck’s hair tightens but doesn’t push, and he lifts the other to stroke a thumb over Buck’s birthmark.
“You’re so beautiful,” he tells him, earnestly.
It’s been difficult to trust that he deserves to have Buck the way he does. If he’s being totally honest, it’s been hard to trust that he deserves him at all. In any capacity. But Buck is relentless–tenacious in his adamancy that Eddie deserves good things just as much as Buck does. That not figuring things out sooner, or having been through hard times, doesn’t make him unworthy of the things he loves. Whether that’s his son, a conversation with his parents about why they convinced him to allow them to take him instead of offering support for the both of them, or the simple pleasure of having a boyfriend that he loves and who loves him in return.
Buck smiles as best he can with his mouth full of Eddie’s co*ck–which is mostly with his eyes.
Buck continues to suck him, sinking down until the head of Eddie’s co*ck nudges the soft, tight heat at the back of Buck’s throat and Eddie can’t help but watch the sight in the mirror. Watch himself fully naked, legs spread, Buck still clothed between them working him over with gusto, one fist wrapped around the base of Eddie’s dick.
It’s so much f*cking hotter than he was expecting.
Buck pulls off with a gasp, looking thoroughly debauched with ruddy cheeks and eyes hooded and blown with arousal, a thin string of spit still connecting his shining, swollen lips to Eddie’s co*ck.
“Gonna get the lube,” he tells Eddie, letting go of his dick.
Eddie whines at the loss, pouting as his back drops to the bed and his hand tangles in his own hair, long enough to be skirting the fringes of the grooming policies of the LAFD, but he’s been a little too preoccupied to book an appointment and as much as he loves his boyfriend and trusts him with everything, there’s no way he’s letting him anywhere near his head with a pair of scissors–some things are better left to the professionals.
Still, the disappointment of the pause in what was quite frankly a phenomenal blow j*b will definitely be worth what’s coming next.
“You gonna f*ck me?” he asks, drawing his feet up and hooking them on the edge of his bed, ready and presenting himself for Buck’s long, thick fingers.
“No,” Buck answers with a smirk, opening the top drawer of Eddie’s nightstand. “I’m going to ride you. Gonna spread you out on the bed so I can see all of you while you fill me.”
“Oh, f*ck, yes. Want that. Please.”
Buck huffs a laugh, finally pulling out the bottle, holding up with his usual flair for the dramatic, eyebrows wiggling and everything. Eddie shakes his head with nothing but affection, smiling as Buck undresses himself in a hurry and crawls back to the same spot.
“You gonna get up here so I can get you ready?” Eddie asks.
Buck shakes his head as he spreads his knees, arching his back and Eddie sits up to figure out what the f*ck he’s planning. The lube stands discarded next to him, the bottle still popped open and Buck is reaching behind himself. One glance in the mirror confirms Eddie’s suspicions, and it’s, quite frankly, the hottest f*cking thing Eddie’s ever seen.
“Nothing for you to do,” Buck tells him, “but sit back and watch. Look at how beautiful you are like this. Watch how much I want you.”
He leans forward taking Eddie back into his mouth and Eddie does exactly what he’s told. He focuses on Buck mostly, because why the hell wouldn’t he. Watches the way he pumps his fingers in and out of himself, adding a second and then a third. Watches how the movement corresponds with the moans that feel delicious against his dick. But every so often his eyes move upward. He takes himself in. Takes in the way his toes curl against the floor, the way his fingers twist into Buck’s curls, the flush that spreads from his face, down his throat and across his chest. He watches Buck take the hand he had wrapped around the base of his co*ck and run it up his thigh, over his stomach and up to his chest, fingers brushing through the hair that covers him, smoothing over every dip and bump like every inch of him is precious–beautiful.
He pulls off Eddie’s dick with a gasp, pulling his fingers out and grabbing the bottle and then he’s pushing Eddie back.
He goes willingly, pushing up the bed until he’s laying against his pillows, Buck clambering over him, eager and frenzied. He pours out some lube onto his hand, spreads it over Eddie’s dick and inches forward, holding it straight as he lines himself up.
“God, Eddie, you have no idea how beautiful you look right now. How beautiful you always look.” He sinks down and Eddie’s hands fly to Buck’s hips, mouth hanging open with the pure pleasure of being inside him. “I thought it the first moment I saw you. Everybody did. But I saw more than they did, I just didn’t realize. They saw a hot guy that looked like he belongs in a place like L.A. Me?” He’s panting now, lifting himself slowly up and sinking back down, Eddie guiding him with a firm grip on his hip, Buck running his hands over Eddie’s stomach and chest. “I saw all of it. That smile, Eddie. God, your smile drove me crazy. Drives me crazy. I can’t believe I get to see that smile. Your eyes–oh f*ck–god, Eddie, your eyes. They’re so beautiful. My favourite color is just your eyes. The way you blush so easily. It’s so f*cking cute–f*ck, f*ck, god–so f*cking cute, Eddie. I saw how beautiful you are. It has nothing to with–oh god–nothing to do with what size your f*cking clothes are, Eddie. You’re just good, and kind, and gentle, and I love every inch of you. Every inch of you is beautiful because it’s you, Eddie.”
A tear slides down Eddie’s cheek, heat flooding his veins, the feel of Buck tight around him, the way he sinks down and rises up, pace getting faster and more frantic the closer Buck gets to his org*sm. The way Buck loves him. It’s so much. He’s not sure he deserves it–not sure what he’s done to earn it–but he wants it. He wants to keep it forever. He wants to be Buck’s beautiful Eddie. He is Buck’s beautiful Eddie.
“Oh, f*ck. Buck, I’m gonna come.”
“Yeah,” Buck pants. “Yeah. That’s it, baby. Come for me.” He reaches down to wrap a fist around his co*ck, pumping it tight and fast the way he likes it. “Come for me. Want to come with you. God I love you so much, Eddie. f*ck, f*ck.”
Eddie’s fingers press harder into Buck’s hips, holding him semi still as he begins to buck his own upward, feet planted on the bed. Buck’s moans fill the bedroom, his head thrown back.
“f*ck, f*ck, I’m gonna– I’m gonna–”
“Yes. Yes. Yes.”
Eddie buries himself deep in Buck as he comes dragging Buck down as he pushes up, filling him as Buck strips his co*ck one, two, three more times and then he’s following Eddie into bliss, coming over his fist and Eddie’s chest in stuttered spurts.
Buck collapses forward and Eddie wraps his arms around him, hands splaying against his back, guiding him into a kiss. Soft, and gentle, and promising. Not of more, but of after. Of forever.
He cradles Buck’s head with his hand, the kiss slowing and ending, and he keeps it there as Buck nuzzles into that space between his neck and his shoulder, pressing soft kisses there like he doesn’t want to stop.
They should move, get cleaned up, and they will. Eventually. But this is what they need now. This is where they have to be.
“What did I do to deserve you?” Eddie asks.
He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this way before. The first time with Buck had been revelatory–a whole new world of feeling he didn’t think he’d ever have. He’d felt seen and considered. He’d felt cherished. He feels those things now, sure, but those words are too small. It’s not just cherished, but worshiped. Not just considered, but craved. Not just seen, but revered.
“You didn’t have to do anything,” Buck tells him, softly. “You don’t have to do anything to be loved, Eddie. Not by me. You’re just you. That’s all I want. That’s all I need.”
“I love you,” Eddie tells him, because they’re the only words he can find to sum up how he feels right now.
“I love you, too.” He snakes a hand between them, arching his back to give himself just enough space to run his knuckles gently over Eddie’s stomach. The smooth touch tickles just a little, and his stomach jumps and twitches with the touch. But it’s nice, he thinks, just to feel Buck there. “I love this too. I love all of you. You should love all of you too. It’s pretty great, you know. Loving you.”
Eddie laughs as he rolls them until they’re laid side by side, curled together.
“Okay. I will. If you want me to.”
“I do. I want you to love you for as long as I love you,” Buck tells him.
“Oh yeah? And how long is that.”
Buck rolls his eyes and follows it up by rolling off the bed. Eddie props his head up on one hand to watch as he moves, long legs carrying him around the bed to the doorway.
“Forever, you idiot.”
Eddie laughs, dropping to the bed and waits for Buck to return with a washcloth. When it takes him more than two minutes to come back Eddie furrows his brows, leaning back up on his elbows.
“Buck?” he calls out. “Did you get lost?”
“On my way.”
He finally hears the faucet run and shakes his head, dropping back to the bed.
When Buck returns there is indeed a washcloth in one hand, which he throws straight onto Eddie and he grunts around the impact. He looks up to find Buck walking back around the bed, Eddie’s laptop in his hand.
“Did you just walk through the house completely naked? The drapes are open, what if the neighbors saw?”
“Oh, please. Mrs Morales is too busy spying on the Fredricksons trying to catch them leaving dog mess on the sidewalk, the Bulglasses are at their daughter’s violin recital, Mr Santos is in Portland visiting his brother, and Graham and Harriet are on vacation in the Bahamas.”
Eddie laughs, cleaning himself up and throwing the cloth in the direction of his hamper, and Buck settles down beside him, pulling the sheets up over his hips and opening the laptop.
“You know entirely too much about my neighbors.”
“You’d know them too if you just talked to them.”
“What are you doing with that thing anyway?” Eddie asks, joining Buck under the top sheet. “Are we watching a movie?”
“No,” Buck says, tapping at the keyboard with a devious smirk on his face. “We’re buying you new shirts so you don’t have to have a crisis every date night.”
Eddie huffs, reaching out to close the laptop but Buck twists away, pulling it out of his reach.
“Buck, I don’t need new shirts, I just need to spend a little more time at the gym and a little less time being the guinea pig for whatever new recipe you want to try.”
“You’re not supposed to fit your clothes, Eddie, they’re supposed to fit you.”
Eddie groans good-naturedly.
“Which Instagram influencer taught you that?”
Buck half closes the laptop and levels Eddie with a sincere look that makes Eddie want to kiss him.
“I mean it, Eddie. It’s normal to put on a little weight when you’re happy, and you don’t have to sacrifice things like time with Chris, or me, to stay exactly the same shape you were before. It’s okay to change a little. Besides, you never treat yourself, and this is the perfect opportunity. I love you, exactly as you are, as you were, and as you will be. You don’t have to change this.”
He sighs, softening with Buck’s words, and reaches up to cradle Buck’s face in one hand. Buck twists a little to press a kiss to his palm before pressing his cheek back to it.
“Thank you.”
“It’s what we do,” Buck tells him with a sweet smile. “You have a bad day, I make it better. And you do the same for me.”
“Yeah,” Eddie sighs. “We do do that.”
Buck nestles down further into the bed, moving away from Eddie’s touch and opening the laptop back up.
“Now. Where should we start?”
Buck taps away at the laptop, bringing up site after site, shirt after sh*t, and Eddie is helpless to do anything but nod along, pointing out shirts that interest him in so far as they’re shirts and they’re the colors he normally wears. When Buck is satisfied that they’ve bought enough to cover their next few date nights at least, he really does load up a movie, content to stay naked in bed instead of having to get dressed and head out for what they’d actually had planned for the evening.
And, truth be told, there isn’t anywhere Eddie would rather be.
He’s no stranger to being self-conscious, but right here, right now, with Buck lay at his side, fingers absently brushing through the dark trail of hair between his dicks and belly button as they watch some action romance Eddie’s never heard of but that has Buck engrossed, he thinks there’s nothing that could make him feel more perfect, more loved, and more content with himself than knowing that somebody as good as Buck loves him.
