My son is two and even though our relationship was good prior to his arrival, since then my MIL and I have had issues.
To keep the background brief-ish, the major issue is that since he was 2 days old, she has felt like whenever she is around, it’s “granny / baby bonding time” and if I interfere with her playing/holding/caring for my son, I’m not letting her be a grandma and am hurting her. When he was small, she would be upset if I held him for too long while she was also there. I find it extremely uncomfortable to be anywhere near her now, because as a mother, my instinct is to care for my son when I am near him and I don’t like feeling like I’m not allowed to do that.
Also, my husband’s family is pretty conflict avoidant, while my family is very direct, so the two communication styles clash and I never know what to say when an answer isn’t “Yes. Great. I agree.”
After years of tense situations, I’ve found it best to just go off by myself and read a book, play on my phone, and/or be in another room while she’s visiting us or we’re visiting her. She gets her “granny” time and I minimize tense moments by not being around.
Still, we left my MIL’s today and my husband was acting upset when we got in the car and said he “was bummed” about how tense/uncomfortable things were. It’s an hour drive to and from her house so I spent that time replaying the visit and asking myself what I could have done better.
It was a visit to swim in her pool, which she has been begging us to do. I mostly floated around on the peripheral of where she, my husband, and my son were playing, joining in when my son called for me. We ate lunch and everybody had a relaxing time.
Here are the “bad” moments I can recall:
1. She ordered pizza for my son, despite my husband and I saying we were planning on ordering Mediterranean take out. Fine. I didn’t complain or object to that. But, she also ordered Orange Fanta for my son who turned two last week and doesn’t drink soda.
The conversation:
Her: “also, I got him some Orange Fanta”
Me: “Oh, um, he doesn’t drink Orange Fanta”
Her: “he doesn’t drink Fanta?”
Me: “no, he doesn’t.”
Her: “why not?”
Me: “he doesn’t drink soda at all.”
Her: “why?”
Me: “because he’s two. Two year olds aren’t supposed to drink soda.”
2. I’m 19 weeks pregnant. It was 92 degrees, humid, and sunny today. My MIL said she heated the pool based on recommendations for pregnant women. It was ~85 degrees. A very warm, heated pool on a hot summer day. After getting in, I quietly told my husband I found it very uncomfortable. He asked her to turn the heater off. I don’t know if she noticed that or didn’t like that I didn’t thank her for heating the pool for me.
3. She put my son in a floaty and he kept touching the edge and saying “hot.” I touched it and agreed “yeah, hot” as we are learning what “hot” is right now. I also splashed some water on it. MIL quickly interjected to say she’d cooled it off before she put him in it. When he floated to her a minute later and told her “hot” she said “no, not hot. not hot.” I moved elsewhere.
4. After swimming, I was putting his diaper on. Her fingers were hovering about an inch away (literally) as she tried to also put his diaper on, which was just making it harder. I told her “I’ve got it thanks.” And she moved about a foot away. When I got the diaper on and was putting his shorts on, she told me the diaper was too low, and I said “don’t worry, I’m taking care of it.” She seemed upset, and I guess I was being curt, but my main focus was clothing a wriggling, fussy toddler who wanted to be eating pizza.
5. When I was getting his car seat buckled, she was leaning over my shoulder asking if he had water. I asked my husband where his water was and found it under a stuffed animal.
My mil: I can go put some ice in that.
Me: no, thank you
My mil (snapping at me): it’s too hot. It’s been in the car. It’s going to burn his mouth when he drinks it.
The bottle had been cool to the touch or at worst lukewarm. It hadn’t felt hot. It had previously been filled with ice and was under a stuffed animal out of the sun.
Me: Judy, it’ll be fine.
I was kind of upset, so I admit I forgot to let her tell my son bye (although I also had to take his stuffed animal away when closing the door because my MIL doesn’t let him ever keep the toys he plays with at her house, so I was also moving fast because I knew that was going to suck). I can’t remember if I told her bye when I got in the car either.
I just feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know what to do or how to act to make it better. If you have (kind) suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
